Thursday, August 7, 2014

A little bit of everything

I wrote a Facebook post this evening summing up my day... "feeling emotional, Whew... What a hard day!"  My friend Rebecca commented, "speak," to which I replied, "a little bit of everything." It just is that.

Here is my list of everything's:

~ Went to bed later than normal and didn't get a proper nights sleep, so I woke up tired this morning.
~ I have been struggling for a few weeks with my eating habits and keeping my calorie count, as well as gluten free in check.
~ I don't have a job in 2 weeks and have to register for PortlandCC classes tomorrow.
~ The pressure is building and subconsciously I am not handling it well.
~ I am an emotional wreck inside, as my time with these kids ends very soon.
~ The thought of leaving this place and people behind brings tears streaking down my face often, and even now as I type.
~ I cry almost everyday and often while driving to work.
~ I am so behind where I wanted to be on losing weight, that I beat myself up.
(Its like something comes over me and I can't fight it when overeating)
~ I am failing in two areas of my life that are like thorns in my side and it makes me sad. 
~ I need to read my bible more and meditate on Gods word.
~ It is hard to be excited about the unknown and it is a weird feeling to be happy to move, but yet sad to go and scared at the same time.
~ I feel like I have lost it...
~ To top it off, I am having a really hard time in my math class just this week.  I have three tests in the next three weeks. 
~ I am turning 30 in 2 months AH!!!!!!!
~ I know I am to move to Portland and that I have heard from God about it.
~ I have had a smooth transition to the college and that has helped.
~ It has been easy to get rid of my things and just pass them on to new people
~ I have people who love me and will miss me (such a nice thought)
~ I am not losing it... What I feel and reality are different right now.

One of the most profound things ever spoken to me was "What if it's not about how you feel?" UM- Life changing!  I am not doing a good job of putting that into practice right now.  I am letting my emotions dictate how I feel, therefore, resulting in letting go of the rest of my life, because I can't handle it without food.  I have always been an emotional eater.  The last year has been my biggest effort at changing it.  As of right now, I am at 290lbs, which is so good compared to before.  I fail to see my progress and start the whole cycle of being sad and eating because of it. It is a hard habit to kick after 20+ years.  It's like my emotions dictate my life, instead of my life dictating my emotions.  I hate that feeling, like I am helpless and like I need to fill a void with food, but it never gets filled, no matter what I do.  I recognize it quicker than before, which is a blessing, but I haven't overcome it yet. 

I've got to see that I am worth it and the amount of effort I put into myself will yield results.  Looking at the little pieces of life, instead of the bigger picture screws up your view.  I've got to learn to LET IT GO... Ha, yes the theme of a birthday party I am attending in a few days.  But it's true.  I can't hold all of this inside anymore.  I've got to process my emotions and give it all to the Lord.  To daily renew my mind and let him lead. 

I am just now open to applying for different jobs than I would have.  It is scary to think about being a live-out and finding a place to rent, but if that is what's needed God will provide.  :)

Monday, June 9, 2014

Life Lessons


Found this on Facebook and thought it was a good lesson to learn!
Photo: Read this. It's awesome.

Monday, May 19, 2014

CHALLENGE #FitByFourth Journal Entry

DIARY #1,

I did great eating Friday and Saturday but fell off the wagon SUNDAY.  I was stressed by my homework, and then ate something not in the plan, causing me to spiral downward, and eat things I wanted, rather than needed in my body.  Changing my thinking and feeling patterns is the key for me to SUCCEED in this process.  Looking forward to the end result! 

Pray for me these new few weeks, to focus, have determination and renewed motivation everyday. 

-Answering these to the best of my ability. I joined a fitness challenge for 7 weeks  #FitByFourth 

Homework

This is quite simple.  Every week there will be some questions that get us digging into the Y in our lazY.  These are just the beginning of that process.
Answer them ALL in your journal.
Pixel or Paper.  Just get em done.
Answer these questions in your journal...
 

1.  What are 3 things you have done in 2014 that you are PROUD OF?
 

~ Changed my academic plan to something I really wanted to do and to follow my dream of being a Counselor.  

~ Focusing on me, rather than those around me for once. 

~ Straight A's in winter quarter

2.  What did YOU DO to make those things happen?
 

Took tie to think about what is really important in my life and change my habits to get the results I wanted.  

3.  Who HELPED you accomplish them?
 
 GOD is the number one influence on how I succeeded.

My mom supported me throughout each decision and encouraged me to succeed. 
My friends and family 
Gail Ledesma

4.  How can you transfer those systems to THIS CHALLENGE?

I can take the time to examine why I got to where I am right now and to make the right decision when it comes to eating.  Changing my habits of exercise can boost my success in working out regularly. Looking to others for emotional support and venting rather than food as a comfort or stress relief.  

The Journey begins!

Monday, April 1, 2013

Blogging is for me

In order to get those thoughts and feelings out I talked about the other day, this blog is going to be my place to turn. I need an outlet and this is it! Instead of turning to other things to relieve my pain, frustration and stress writing is a huge relief.

I had a wonderful conversation for a few hours into the wee morn 2AM last night. It was very good. Just being myself and getting to know more about a friend is great. Some of the things they said actually made me cry. They were good tears, tears of relief, tears of sorrow, and tears of joy mixed into one. It was like I was being understood and valued.
I've known this person a long time but we don't chat like that ever! I asked them to share a few things from The Lord and it was spot on. :-) grateful for that'

I'm thankful right now for friendships, old and new. I am enjoying spending time with so many good friends. It takes time to develop, I would say years actually!

I love games and the fellowship that happens during them. So much fun and Laughter these past few weeks!

Sunday, March 31, 2013

Its Okay to not do it all!

I love it when God speaks to me in dreams.  I wont go into specifics but I woke up today knowing it was okay to drop a class and beneficial to my health.  I registered for 13 credits which is 4 classes and with working two jobs, plus a social life and being happily committed to the Lord with various fellowship opportunities during the week something had to give.  

 If I didn't go to church I would be forsaking the fellowship of believers and corporately worshiping the Lord is important to me.  
If I quit one of my jobs financially I wouldn't be able to make it.  
If I cut out my social life I wouldn't be able to handle school stress and would get depressed.  
If I cut out a class it would relieve a little stress and I can always take it later as it is available each quarter.  

So I came to the conclusion that I am not a failure if I just have 9 credits and its okay to not do everything all the time and pack my life so busy I can't think anymore.  I don't like stressed out Janette.  She isn't fun!!! 

Praising the Lord today for who he is on this Resurrection Sunday.  How Blessed am I to know the maker of the Heavens and the Earth.  Grateful for a Savior who bled and died for all of us. Jesus Oh what a wonderful name.  Each time I say "Jesus" its like a blanket wraps around me.  That name is so powerful.  Thank You Holy spirit for flooding the earth with the Lords presence.   

Saturday, March 30, 2013

Savior

Oh what thoughts they would have had on this night so long ago. Not knowing their savior would be alive in the morn what agony they may have felt.  How astonishing it would've been to be there at the tomb the next day.  How would they have felt at the moment they knew he was alive. So thankful for a savior who conquered the grave.  How amazing to be part of the family of God.  


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Kh-xgy_Qn0

Friday, March 29, 2013

Sometimes I just need to be heard!

Struggling is a word that I would describe of my life. When one area is good it seems I'm deeply troubled in another. I know what to do, I know what is right, I know how to get free but yet I don't live that way most of the time.

Why do you think that is?
Selfishness
Stressed
Overwhelmed
Focussing on the bad rather than the good?
Tired
Exhausted
Not taking every thought captive?
Addicted to living life in a rut?
How do I find a balance?
Perhaps it's all of those combined!!!

My whole thought life has been so screwed up.

It brings me to tears just thinking about the way God doesn't care about all of the junk, because of Jesus he sees me as righteous, as holy and blameless in his sight. Just that thought overwhelms and consumes the sin in my life. Changes the Darkness to light and gives liberty in areas that without The Lord are forever in bondage.

Sometimes I feel like I have no voice like I'm not heard. I want to speak but i feel my thoughts and words are dumb or worthless. I feel that way because while forming thoughts and speaking them I second guess myself.

Just recently I started a movie and after the 19th F word I couldn't handle it anymore and went to bed. I hurt myself the next day and thought that F-ing hurt and then another 4 letter word. This is not the influence I want in my mind. I typically do not watch movies with too much cussing, adultery and nudity. When I hear or see those things they are an influence. Even if you think they aren't subconsciously they are.
When I listen to very much talk radio I get stirred up and angry. Then it spills into the rest of my life. I don't want to live out of those places. What am I letting influence me?

Going to school is very distracting and consumes my life. I let it control who I am at times. I get stressed, and overwhelmed then the rest if my life follows. I forget about who I am, I forget about the people I love, I forget about spending time with Jesus, I forget about responsibilities and do something to replace that with so i can forget about what i need to do or should do.

Thankful today for forgiveness and what this day means. Good Friday, such a powerful thing Jesus did on the cross!