I wrote a Facebook post this evening summing up my day... "feeling emotional, Whew... What a hard day!" My friend Rebecca commented, "speak," to which I replied, "a little bit of everything." It just is that.
Here is my list of everything's:
~ Went to bed later than normal and didn't get a proper nights sleep, so I woke up tired this morning.
~ I have been struggling for a few weeks with my eating habits and keeping my calorie count, as well as gluten free in check.
~ I don't have a job in 2 weeks and have to register for PortlandCC classes tomorrow.
~ The pressure is building and subconsciously I am not handling it well.
~ I am an emotional wreck inside, as my time with these kids ends very soon.
~ The thought of leaving this place and people behind brings tears streaking down my face often, and even now as I type.
~ I cry almost everyday and often while driving to work.
~ I am so behind where I wanted to be on losing weight, that I beat myself up.
(Its like something comes over me and I can't fight it when overeating)
~ I am failing in two areas of my life that are like thorns in my side and it makes me sad.
~ I need to read my bible more and meditate on Gods word.
It is hard to be excited about the unknown and it is a weird feeling to
be happy to move, but yet sad to go and scared at the same time.
~ I feel like I have lost it...
~ To top it off, I am having a really hard time in my math class just this week. I have three tests in the next three weeks.
~ I am turning 30 in 2 months AH!!!!!!!
~ I know I am to move to Portland and that I have heard from God about it.
~ I have had a smooth transition to the college and that has helped.
~ It has been easy to get rid of my things and just pass them on to new people
~ I have people who love me and will miss me (such a nice thought)
~ I am not losing it... What I feel and reality are different right now.
One of the
most profound things ever spoken to me was "What if it's not about how
you feel?" UM- Life changing! I am not doing a good job of putting that
into practice right now. I am letting my emotions dictate how I feel,
therefore, resulting in letting go of the rest of my life, because I can't
handle it without food. I have always been an emotional eater. The
last year has been my biggest effort at changing it. As of right now, I
am at 290lbs, which is so good compared to before. I fail to see my progress and start the whole cycle of being sad and eating because of it. It is a hard habit to kick after 20+ years. It's like my emotions dictate my life, instead of my life dictating my emotions. I hate that feeling, like I am helpless and like I need to fill a void with food, but it never gets filled, no matter what I do. I recognize it quicker than before, which is a blessing, but I haven't overcome it yet.
I've got to see that I am worth it and the amount of effort I put into myself will yield results. Looking at the little pieces of life, instead of the bigger picture screws up your view. I've got to learn to LET IT GO... Ha, yes the theme of a birthday party I am attending in a few days. But it's true. I can't hold all of this inside anymore. I've got to process my emotions and give it all to the Lord. To daily renew my mind and let him lead.
I am just now open to applying for different jobs than I would have. It is scary to think about being a live-out and finding a place to rent, but if that is what's needed God will provide. :)
Monday, June 9, 2014
Monday, May 19, 2014
I did great eating Friday and Saturday but fell off the wagon SUNDAY. I was stressed by my homework, and then ate something not in the plan, causing me to spiral downward, and eat things I wanted, rather than needed in my body. Changing my thinking and feeling patterns is the key for me to SUCCEED in this process. Looking forward to the end result!
Pray for me these new few weeks, to focus, have determination and renewed motivation everyday.
-Answering these to the best of my ability. I joined a fitness challenge for 7 weeks #FitByFourth
HomeworkThis is quite simple. Every week there will be some questions that get us digging into the Y in our lazY. These are just the beginning of that process.
Answer them ALL in your journal.
Pixel or Paper. Just get em done.
Answer these questions in your journal...
1. What are 3 things you have done in 2014 that you are PROUD OF?
~ Changed my academic plan to something I really wanted to do and to follow my dream of being a Counselor.
~ Focusing on me, rather than those around me for once.
~ Straight A's in winter quarter
2. What did YOU DO to make those things happen?
Took tie to think about what is really important in my life and change my habits to get the results I wanted.
3. Who HELPED you accomplish them?
GOD is the number one influence on how I succeeded.
My mom supported me throughout each decision and encouraged me to succeed.
My friends and family
4. How can you transfer those systems to THIS CHALLENGE?
I can take the time to examine why I got to where I am right now and to make the right decision when it comes to eating. Changing my habits of exercise can boost my success in working out regularly. Looking to others for emotional support and venting rather than food as a comfort or stress relief.
The Journey begins!