Thursday, August 7, 2014

A little bit of everything

I wrote a Facebook post this evening summing up my day... "feeling emotional, Whew... What a hard day!"  My friend Rebecca commented, "speak," to which I replied, "a little bit of everything." It just is that.

Here is my list of everything's:

~ Went to bed later than normal and didn't get a proper nights sleep, so I woke up tired this morning.
~ I have been struggling for a few weeks with my eating habits and keeping my calorie count, as well as gluten free in check.
~ I don't have a job in 2 weeks and have to register for PortlandCC classes tomorrow.
~ The pressure is building and subconsciously I am not handling it well.
~ I am an emotional wreck inside, as my time with these kids ends very soon.
~ The thought of leaving this place and people behind brings tears streaking down my face often, and even now as I type.
~ I cry almost everyday and often while driving to work.
~ I am so behind where I wanted to be on losing weight, that I beat myself up.
(Its like something comes over me and I can't fight it when overeating)
~ I am failing in two areas of my life that are like thorns in my side and it makes me sad. 
~ I need to read my bible more and meditate on Gods word.
~ It is hard to be excited about the unknown and it is a weird feeling to be happy to move, but yet sad to go and scared at the same time.
~ I feel like I have lost it...
~ To top it off, I am having a really hard time in my math class just this week.  I have three tests in the next three weeks. 
~ I am turning 30 in 2 months AH!!!!!!!
~ I know I am to move to Portland and that I have heard from God about it.
~ I have had a smooth transition to the college and that has helped.
~ It has been easy to get rid of my things and just pass them on to new people
~ I have people who love me and will miss me (such a nice thought)
~ I am not losing it... What I feel and reality are different right now.

One of the most profound things ever spoken to me was "What if it's not about how you feel?" UM- Life changing!  I am not doing a good job of putting that into practice right now.  I am letting my emotions dictate how I feel, therefore, resulting in letting go of the rest of my life, because I can't handle it without food.  I have always been an emotional eater.  The last year has been my biggest effort at changing it.  As of right now, I am at 290lbs, which is so good compared to before.  I fail to see my progress and start the whole cycle of being sad and eating because of it. It is a hard habit to kick after 20+ years.  It's like my emotions dictate my life, instead of my life dictating my emotions.  I hate that feeling, like I am helpless and like I need to fill a void with food, but it never gets filled, no matter what I do.  I recognize it quicker than before, which is a blessing, but I haven't overcome it yet. 

I've got to see that I am worth it and the amount of effort I put into myself will yield results.  Looking at the little pieces of life, instead of the bigger picture screws up your view.  I've got to learn to LET IT GO... Ha, yes the theme of a birthday party I am attending in a few days.  But it's true.  I can't hold all of this inside anymore.  I've got to process my emotions and give it all to the Lord.  To daily renew my mind and let him lead. 

I am just now open to applying for different jobs than I would have.  It is scary to think about being a live-out and finding a place to rent, but if that is what's needed God will provide.  :)

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